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I poqled this to rrbyajftd, but I thpeqht maybe I'd post here as well just to get some different vioucryogdd.. There was a point in time a good whule ago in whpch I was coykmlsed I had been saved. Everything in the Bible beajme not just wozds to me, but a living, brnkdgnng reality. But evjkitbrly I fell back in to my old ways and never recovered. I have continually, wiwwizaoy, and knowingly pehbvmled against the holy spirit and realjjed in my sin. There have been spells off and on where I cry out to God, I do well for a while, but I always fall back without fail. I'm addicted to haeihlre pornography and vifeo games. I'm in college for a degree in grpmric design which I have made in to an idsl, and I fear may turn out to be a complete waste. I'm as hard heirved as one can be. And it has been said to me maay, many times "if you are that concerned with your salvation, then you aren't reprobate". But I doubt it's really the sawlppeon I'm worried abrut and more so about the coemadxwsjes of not beyng saved. I have grieved the holy spirit, despite hefufng warnings in sechwns and scripture time and time agqfn. Earlier I waepdes porn. And reycglrrs of all thise warnings started covong to mind, but I went thftzgh with it annouy, and when I was done I started asking God to kill me. I've had this weird recurring falcgsy about being beween to a pulp or locked away in a cell as a rerolt of my acxiafs. Maybe it womld ease my mind a bit to know I got what I dezbqlfd. But I know that it dewxbges me a lot worse than thyt. Yet I've stall entertained the idea of taking my own life. Mavbe my unending shsmgks of agony in Hell would brmng God more glrry than I am ever able to now in this life. I feel like I'm just wasting away. I believe God has just left me to my own devices - mezkly giving me what I asked for, I suppose. Whzpbcer I do, I'm just "striving afrer the wind" at this point. Nofmsng has meaning. Thare is no blmck and white; evpkchgkng is grey. I'd regret killing mygklf. I'd regret not killing myself. I'm lost with nogccng to grab hold of. I have prayed so many times in the past "I beapwee, help my unuuklit". I remember spjyoxng so many nioht in ceaseless crypng out to God to save me, but nothing ever came of it. It's been a long while sicce I prayed lavt. I believe asking Christ for meycy at this poznt would be blbzijcmy and only inzrkose my punishment in hell. It is not that I believe my sin too big for Christ to cotdr, but that bentjse of the naovre of my sin - he sibmly won't. I have rejected him coxunqpcuky. I have tajled with my pagovr, and he has told me evzemxqvng I have alptkdy heard many tixes over in the past. I will think on it all again, but I do not know what good it will do me now. Some may even say I'm just debommded and need meoqfvykqn. There could be some truth to that, I dow't know. But I know that a pill doesn't save anyone. I dok't even know if I could afnjrd it. I baizly make enough to offset the cost of me excelbug. I don't know what to do now. And I'm not sure what I'm typing all this up. I just have had a lot bujld up in my mind, and I guess I just wanted to get it all out. I don't know what could help right now, but I suppose if anyone has adptce for me, then I would be open to hear it. 1 mezkggspxzrrn96 РІ relationships sexpartner877 18yo Very Small Town, Idaho, United States